*" my bedsheets shade the heat of choices i've made "*
this morning was gross. i thought about things that made me laugh. & i laughed. i thought about ugly things. & i cried. & then hid under my blankets.
i went downtown today. with mike & friend (also mike).
i saw death to smoochy today. it was fun-knee. there were some fun lines in it (& remember: these are just from my rusty memory):
-it's a world of mirrors out there, you never know what you're looking at-
-are you alright?- -well, im a little fucked up, in general..so it's kind of hard to gauge-
- - -
(i wrote this in my journal while mike & mike were playing hackey sack in the fountains - i typed it out exactly how i wrote it, punctuation, arrows, & all!)
DOWNTOWN - where is everything waiting for me???
-->wearing a military man (minus the parachute) around my neck -- with a hole in his chest.
-->wearing a military man as a heart - my body as a battle ground.
-->walking - with pink tape - tethered to you.
-->feeling good - wreaking havoc on the inside: who for?
-->the sun is setting - & hiding behind the Heritage building
-my eyes find white spots - stained, where the sun once was [don't forget you roots, because they have nothing to do with what's going on here].
-->my fingers: hint smell of chlorine. dipped them in the fountains - trying to find a way home. north south east west.
i'll blow some bubbles trying to reach the sky sky sky. trying to touch someone 100 miles away..but would that even do?
-->(next page)would i be satisfied with that. 100 miles away?
-->i want them to touch the face thats leaning close right now - that will not touch.
-->ooooh..i want you to breathe fire into me. char my insides, melt the winter that's been growing all these years.
-->mission: exploration in this realistic spectrum = survival.
-->i want to feel a cramping ulcer that glitter would burn if it was acid. glitterburn (hm hm, a new diaryname perhaps?)
i will follow every word that comes between me & everything else.
the sky is pouring down like cool, blue lava. i want to open my mouth & let it fall in. sink into the concrete, melted & hot - drinking cold sky. NEVER LETTING THEM touch. & live for two worlds - as i always do. fueling fire with ice - & water with molten rock.
& untitled self: who cares who i am...just let me do!
- - -
-a
