i was alone today. all day. i thought maybe i would hop in someones car & hang out the window screaming I THINK IM ON TO SOMETHING HERE - - YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, MY ONLY SUNSHINE - - & YOU MAKE ME WANT TO DIIIIIIEE, but -you see- these plans, they always fall through. like trying to balance on thin thinnest glass. so i sat in my room & journaled for hours, filling my books with soot & glue & photos, clippings, tears & all of the things that i just needed to purge.
Hedwig & the Angry Inch. i sat on the couch - in the dark - watching Hedwig. it's so amazing. i cried through half of it. i can't believe how great it is.
& in the dark. dark, like diluted midnight by blue screen light. curled up & salty vision - my hand between my legs, & silent rape of myself..that leaves in sobs. my fever. i shake & wander through a dark house towards a knife. hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets..i stumble down the steps to my basement, where the automatic light doesn't work anymore. smashing around - looking for jars, glass, a broken mirror i found on the street last year. & i sit in the corner feeling green & sober & crazy.
so don't fucking say you know me. don't touch me at all. don't look at me. i am sick & tainted - and never fucking been touched. so don't break this spell. i'm going to sit here high such a stellar monument to loneliness. i don't know where i stand, & i know that i say stupid things, & i regret - but, you should know that by now. here, step forward & smash in my face. please, i'm begging you to. break me so i can justify feeling this way.
i deleted a whole page of crazy & put this here instead. so, what's the difference now?
oh, please hold me & say it will be alright. not you or you or you or anyone that i know - or that may even exist. just you, in dreams that pulls me out when i'm drowning. i just didn't see you there, and i'm worried that i never will.
wishing to hang like a star - fucking glow in the dark....& do these dreams have any meaning??
just let me hang here. against the wall & on my toes. reaching over. & i'll never touch it. as long as i stay on this side of the wall.
i'll rape my mind, & countless other things. & be this hole. hold my stomach on my bedroom floor. hold my head against the shower door. & it bounces off the painted porcelain...slowly drifting to a sleep that will wake to the same girl in the morning mirror. i always hope to see myself transformed.
existing suspended. like a pretty bony doll, rosy pale. dancing broken steps.
i wait. wait. for...
words or patterns or movements or hands or something that makes sense & works out.
