looking for a summerland in an uncultivated abyss. this is late. i get an F.
tea is screaming in the kitchen, but i won't get up. i'll just sit here typing away as if nothing is screaming. as if everything is silent. as if i am. as if my brain is.
but, that's not the fact. i hope this virtual reality isn't the only reality i'll ever know..
the fact is my grandma is dying. it's called leiomysarcoma . and it's eating her from the inside out. i got a call today from my aunt. and i hand it to my mother. and my mothers face is pale and old all of the sudden. my mother hangs up and walks away. so i go in her room to find my mother crying, sitting on the edge of the bed - like they always do in movies - but, this isn't a movie. and my mom says quietly that my grandma is dying and it's called leiomysarcoma. and it doesn't hurt a bit at first. and then i think of dying - and it starts to.
i talk to my cousin on the phone, she sounds soggy all the way in boston, looking at my grandma's face. she says she looks so old. she says she looks 100, and not 70-something.
my grandma used to cook. and wear pink plaid shorts, and she made me stay and watch old fathful twice. and i wish i could see her in boston. with red lip-stick on. and not tubes in her nose. i'm afraid i won't see her before she leaves. im afraid my mother will become quiet again. and let things happen, when they shouldn't. and i've written much too much. much more than anyone cares to read. so i'll finish it here.
well, im supposed to say something about timaree too, you damn whore. and that's it.
bye.
