i feel like saying things..never quite sure why, or what it is i want to say. i'm filling in spanish future-tense verbs and waiting for a sign. i don't really believe in signs, but i'll wait for magic. i want to feel magical. the way summer only feels in my head, dreaming about spinklers and smoothies and long walks and warm nights. these are so beautiful in my mind. and wasted when june finally comes.
i would like to take a car across the country and take photos of everything i see. and visit every road-side attraction there is to visit. meet old ladies with a million wrinkles in their face. talk to raspy men with dirty fingernails. have a tea-party with clever children. hug someone, a real good hug. i'm tired of weak hugs. tired of my weak self. i'm ready to be strong, i think. i think i think i think. i hope. i wish. i wait. for magic.
i should bring the magic sometimes. selfish girl, there is so much magic that can be created when you share yourself. but, i remain enclosed in this hard oyster. not willing to cultivate a pearl.
call me at two am, and we will share silence. i don't mind silence. don't be afraid of it. let's not be afraid of anything, at least before i dream..i can't bear another night of cold sweats and shaking from the inside out.
instead of wishing i could fly. i should try. falling is better than worrying, "what if i fall?"...
